Happy New Year 2010

Wow! Can not believe the new year is here. 2009 went by way too quick. I am going to attempt to do Project 365, but can not make any promises. I will start tomorrow by putting my first picture up.

On another note, chemo is wearing me out! My treatment was this past Monday and it drained me. I was not feeling like myself till last nite. I hate it to a "T". This is what I have written about it.

Chemo there is only one word to describe it: PAINFUL. It's painful to throw up over and over till your whole body hurts, it's painful to have nose bleeds/cough up blood till your nose is sore or your throat is so raw you can hardly stand to mutter two words. It's painful to have that IV put in when the nurses miss it a couple times and you bruise easlily and have bruises up and down your arms from it. It's painful to be sitting there and all of a sudden you know what going to happen 30-45 minutes after you start getting it. It's painful to know that for several days you can not play with your kids and only to see their disappointed faces. It's painful to see what it does to your family and your life. To know that your kids see and hear you throw up; and it scares them and they cry. It's painful to see the fear in their eyes when my nose bleeds. And most of all it's painful to have the feelings and to think you would much rather life to end then to have to do this over and over. These are the feelings I battle every day. I recieved my 2nd treatment and am so wiped out, I have NO energy for anything. All I want to do is just sit and cry. I am tired of this taking over my life. And that's the painful part it's MY LIFE. Life that no one should have to endure. A life that you sit and think what did I do wrong? Why do I have to go through this? I am fed up and am so sick of BEING SICK!

You know I really hate what this is doing to my kids. Every day Kaylee asks "Do you have to go to the hospital?" And she has that worried look on her face. She does not want me out of her sight. And then when I am sick they ask "why are you sick again mommy?" This just tears me up inside because I know that they are trying to understand but just can't. This is just tearing me apart. My whole reason for being here is for them. They are what make me get up every day. If I didn't have them, I might just stop fighting. No one should ever have to endure this! This is just horrible.

As I was sitting there today I though of the phrase God will never give you soemthing you can not handle. There is a reason why I am going through this. He has a bigger plan for me. But one thing is for sure I am going to fight and fight like crazy because I am bound and determined to see my kids grow up. Their smiles, hugs and love is what makes this worth the fight.